Emergency Contact

I’d never been in love. I wasn’t sure if it really existed, nor did I really care, I thought maybe I desired it, but I wasn’t sure of what it entailed. The only unconditional love I ever had were my mom and my sister. It was a beautiful, all encompassing, maternal love. It is.

I’ve lived a life knowing that everything you think is true. It’s not. If you’re reading this, it’s not too late, not everything you think is true. Years of conditioning gave me a heightened sense of self awareness, grossly aware of my flaws. I thought this made me better, instead I got extremely defensive and pretty anxious. I mistook this for strength. It is not.

One day in conversation, he grabbed my arms and said “hey, its ok I know you’re not perfect”. He didn’t say much else but he meant that I could let my guard down. I didn’t have to be so self aware. He was falling in love with me anyway. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that until I did. I slowly softened and learned that I could trust him by being my full self. It is a full, all encompassing feeling that I have no words to describe. It is.

My maternal love has changed over the last few years. Its been 10 years since my mom died and in the last 3 years my other maternal flame dimmed. It’s been an adjustment but I became ok with a certain loneliness in the world. My loneliness made me incredibly self suffecient and resilient. I look back at the life I have crafted with its own twists and crazy turns and I am so proud of what I have built, but loneliness is lonely. It is.

In 2021, for the first time, I went home for the holidays. I learned that by having him in my life, I’d be gaining a new family. A large, ethnic, group of boisterous, loving, kind, personalities across generations, that truly enjoys being with each other. The energy was infectious and they welcomed me with open arms. I never imagined that love would mean gaining a family. I’d openly been searching for unconditional acceptance, but thats family. It is.

Over the last 2 years, the emergency contact page always elicits a little bit of panic. Who could I assign the responsibility? And then he came along. I was filling out forms and I paused, with no hesitation he asked me to put him down. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was.

As he prepares to go on a work trip he has to put down emergency contacts, he puts me first and his sister next. It works.